ryt now.. im drunk.. i just wanna record what i feel when im drunk....

ryt now.. i feel very vulbnerable./... its like.... everyone can get into me very easily..... thats why i only drink on very special occasions..... im v ery dizy ryt now..... its like im letting myself be on the hands of other ppl... i dont really like this... but this is the only way to know who rea;lly cares about u.....

bite me!!

One good way to distract yourself from overthinking something depressing is just to sing your hearts out...

And find one hot celebrity to drool over....

1 bloody wounds

uhh why is love always one sided in my case?... people i like, dont like me and i dont like the people who like me?.... Kelan kya darating ang time na ang taong mahal ko ay mahal rin pla ako... My friend say na hindi talaga nangyayari un sa umpisa... most of the time.. love will just GROW from within, through the process of courtship.... Uhh... this is so complicated naman o..... why cant love be perfect like in fairy tales!?!

bite me!!

I categorize love in 3 forms, Admiration, Lust and Dependency

1. Admiration

comes in when one is attracted to the opposite by means of personality, quality, intelligence etc etc.. This form of love is the highest form for me because loving someone needs a VALID reason to be able to work.

2. Lust

ussually called "love at first sight".. normally,  people who needs an EGO boost are easily attracted to these kinds of people... Also, GOOD looking people are mostly the target of lust kind of love... This for me is the lowest form of love that someone can attain.. Lust should not be the first thing to come in a relationship.

3. Dependency

this is about the EMOTIONAL dependency of one person to another... When one cannot be appart from the other because he/she is dependent for her presence... example is... this guy is very much in love with this girl because she can fulfill his emotional needs. She can keep him company, she's the only one who understands him, she is the world for him...... In my term, this is complete SELFISHNESS for the guy who only loves the girl because she can fullfill him. Girl is also suffering from this "dependency" syndrome that she as well want the guy for herself as he can fullfil her needs as well.... Yeah, theyre both selfish for each other and that the OUTSIDE world are excluded in their own little lovely world.

2 bloody wounds

Written last February 5, 2008

"I have a lot of things to do, games to play, animes to watch & arts to draw.

So why would I even bother myself by getting a boyfriend that would waste my time, money, energy and set my mood ups and downs?... Tell me"

------------------------------------------------>

I knew it! I knew it all along!.. no i dont have a boyfriend yet.. but all this LOVE CRAP is really too much for me to bear.  If anyone would notice. since this year started, mas dumalas ang pag post ko ng journal... It means that im under a lot of heightened emotions....  Emotions that ive never felt before in my life.... Which made me realize that....

I dont think i can do it........

Just imagining the things "we'll" be doing when i found my better half.... is so.... stressing... and emotionally tiring.. na parang mas okay pa itong dull borring life ko.... Di bale nang loveless, di namad pagod kaka isip sa taong un.....

bite me!!

damn it.. ano nanamang ginawa ko at ako ang napag bintangang kumuha/nag nakaw ng apat na pirasong Fern-C na gamot!??! what the hell?! anong gagawin ko dun.. gago pla sya e, sa lahat ng taong ayoko ay yung walang common sense.... Hindi ko alam kung paano nawala yun o bka naman namamalik mata lang sya nung sinulat nya sa papel na 2pcs lang ang kinuha nya kahapon at ngayon naman 6pcs na ang nawawala. Malay ko sa kanya.. wala naman akong paki alam kung ano ang mawala sa bahay as long as wala akong kinalaman dun.... putang ina talaga.... Ako?? ako kumuha nun?? ang dami daming pwdeng pag bintangan ako pa??! tapos tatawagin pa kong salot at kung anu ano pang masasamang salita.. shit yan, i dont deserve this... Lalo na kung hindi naman ako guilty sa mga accusations nya. Kung hindi nya ko nakita ON THE ACT wala syang karapatang mambintang... Napaka honest kong tao, hindi ako nag sisinungaling. Kung magtatanong lang sya, im willing to say everything na gusto nyang malaman about me.. sasabihin ko sa kanya lahat ng sikreto ko at lahat ng tungkol sakin, kya it really hurts me na mapag bintangan ng ganyan.. It just shows how much she must have hated me.... Sobrang nakaka inis kasi ung.. nananahimik ako d2 walang ginagawa tapos bigla bigla nlang sisigawan at pagbibintangan sa bagay na hindi ko ginawa.  Dalawa kaming anak nya, bakit ako ang napag bintangan nya? Ganun ba kasama ang image ko sa bahay? ano bang ginawa kong mali para mapasama sa bad side nya? Sa totoo lang, wala.... Ang tanging marereklamo lang nya sakin ay yung hindi ko pag tulong sa gawaing bahay.. pero c kuya rin naman ganun ah? ewan ko... This is so unfair dahil di ko alam kung paanong naging mas masama pa ako kesa kay kuya. Ganun tlaga e.. he's her favorite... kht noon pa.... And also, ako kaya nyang masigawan at si kuya hindi nya masigawan. ganun lang un...

And it hurts na aminin na even though ganun lang nya ko sigawan, sabihang salot, inutil at traydor, shes my mom and i still love her...

Pero ngayun... I just want to get out of this suffocating house...

And i cant wait to move out once i found a stable job.

bite me!!

mula pa noong bata ako, ive always created this own fantasy world inside my mind. Dahil cguro hindi ako naka get over sa mga fairy tales and cartoons until lumaki ako, ganun parin naman e.

When im bored, sad or lonely, ill just retreat to this world.  I control this world, i can think myself as a princess with powers and everything. I also  fantasize about going back in time where im still a kid and redo everything ive done... Magiging mabait at masunurin akong bata at cguro gagawin ko ang lahat para makakuha ng mataas na grade sa school.... At madalas naman, sa imaginary world ko na ito, dito nabubuhay ang aking prinsipe. Ang taong minahal ko for many years since i was 7yrs old i think. This guy is so perfect in everything na cguro na impluwensyahan na rin nito ang preference ko sa mga lalake. Walang araw na hindi ako pumunta sa mundo kong ito.. Everytime na matutulog ako, laging kong iniisip ang aking prinsipe. At everytime na bago ako tuluyang magising sa umaga, iniisip ko na katabi ko lang sya.

Napakalaki ng impluwesya ng mundong ito sa aking pag laki.... Although malaki ang naitulong nito para mabawasan ang lungkot sa buhay ko, hindi parin ito totoo. Lately... medyo mahirap i explain pero its like "nahihirapan na kong kumonek sa mundo kong ito"... Hindi ko na magawang mag stay dito ng matagal and ussually when im in this world, yun lang ang time na i feel very lustfull. My faceless prince is still with me, but I dont think i can be loyal to him anymore.... My body and soul seems to be craving for the real thing.. I want to experience what really love is... Not just this imaginary love that cant satisy me anymore.

Im gonna face the real world, no matter how ugly or hard it is...

bite me!!

im not really that apathetic or walang paki sa paligid ko.. the truth is.. im the type of girl who find it HARD to show my emotions. I dont know when this all started pero i think i do it as a defense mechanism so that i wont look pathetic when other people is mistreating me.  So now, lumaki akong ganito.. nakasanayan nang hindi nagpapakita ng any negative emotion.. Nakangiti , tahimik or just keeping myself busy lang lagi.... Unable to say or show what i really feel.... Kahit nung namatay si dada, di ko nagawang umiyak sa harapan nila and although i did cry by myself.. hindi un ung sobra sobra.. its like a tear just fall down my cheeks .... I just have this plain look on myface na bka hindi na matangal.... Pero recently medyo nagbabago n nga ako.... i think this may take some time.. but my emotions are comming back to me.... And i want it to comeback in order for me to live the normal way.. just like what my dad want for me.

bite me!!

ID SAY NO!! Of course kung papayag ang babae na mag paligaw.. ibig sabihin nun, pinapaasa lang nya ang lalake na sasagutin nga sya.. pero what if di naman pla nya tlga type edi ayun.... umasa sa wala c lalake.... Also, syempre kung mag papaligaw ang babae, surely the guy would be on its BEST BEHAVIOR para ma impress c girl... in short, PLASTIC! Now how on earth makikilala ng babae ang tunay na ugali ng guy kung puro pa impress lang ang gagawin nya?? kya nga mas okay to be friends first... dahil on that way... malalaman mo yung tunay na ugali.. kung mainitin ba ang ulo, kung pikon o kung mabilis mabulag sa mga dumadaang chicks... malalaman mo agad iyon by being friends with the guy first... e pano kung di mo sya kilala at nag paligaw ka sa kanya? edi sobang bait ang lalake, maginoo, galante at gagawin lahat para sayo... But for how long? syempre after makuha na nya ang gusto nya sau.. ! ganun ang mga lalake!

bite me!!